DAILY TELEGRAPH'S SENSATIONAL HEADLINES!
Bastion of Australian tabloid rubbish, The Daily Telegraph, has sunk to a new low. On a day when they could have run with the US Open, the East Timor jailbreak, or the continuing dramas in the Middle East, the DT has chosen to create a story. the headline reads: "HIDDEN EVIL" with the byline "2400 Paedophiles living amongst us." I'm going to ignore the issue of public interest v what the public is interested in for a moment and tackle the nonsense that Australians love.
DT's example is of John Lewthwaite, who last week was arrested for cavorting naked on a Sydney beach. Ok, so he was skinny dipping. OH, and he was convicted of raping and murdering a five-year-old girl in 1974. DT doesn't tell us how long he was in prison for, but NSW takes a dim view of such activities. While that's certainly horrible, our justice system works around the idea of serving time in prison to punish and rehabilitate, then releasing the convict when their time is up. DT wants a version of 'Megan's Law' introduced, like in the US, so that released paedophiles must be identified to communities they move into when they're freed.
In their view, you serve time, then you continually serve time in the outside world till you die. But this is Australia, no-one would attack a known paedophile or discriminate against them. Probably better to simply re-introduce the death penalty like they have in some states of the US. They only have a 90% rate of serious reversible error in capital cases, and of those 47% get thrown out altogether. 7% of those executed are found to be innocent after their death. There's an idea! We have a weird guy living next door. Must be a paedophile. Therefore, we'll execute him! More humane than a life of prejudice and hatred.
Whitney bin Laden?!?
According to Woman's Day, Osama bin laden thinks Whitney Houston is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. This little gem came from his former "sex-slave" Kola Boof, who says that bin Laden carried pictures of Houston in his suitcase, wanted to lavish her with his riches, and have Bobby Brown killed off. And who wouldn't want to be with the junkie star of 'The Bodyguard'. Maybe it's her tattoo he finds particularly appealing, or the tracks on her arms. Either way, we now know bin Laden's one weakness: TRASHY EARLY NINETIES R&B POP. And Dr Pepper. He loves the taste.
Everyone, you can stop panicking! Tom Cruise has found a financier for his films. Paramount dropped him last week for getting too many 'crazy flakes' for breakfast, but one of the owners of the Washington Redskins just can't get enough of his world class acting. I'm curious as to why the Church of Scientology didn't back Cruise up. Maybe they didn't think he was bankable either.
SpiralFrog, a new music download service, on Tuesday said it would make Vivendi's Universal Music Group's catalogue available for free legal downloading in the United States and Canada.
The new advertising-supported service, due to launch later this year, joins the ranks of rivals battling for a piece of the digital music market in the shadow of Apple Computer's dominant iTunes music store.
New York-based SpiralFrog said it would offer users of its free, web-based service the ability to legally download music of Universal's roster, which includes U2, Gwen Stefani and The Roots.
"Offering young consumers an easy-to-use alternative to pirated music sites will be compelling," SpiralFrog Chief Executive Robin Kent said in a statement.
Kent said SpiralFrog's business model is based on sharing income from advertising with content partners like Universal.
The company's research revealed that consumers are willing to "pay" for their content by watching non-intrusive, contextually-relevant, targeted advertising, Kent said.
According to SpiralFrog's website, Kent is a former chairman and CEO of media communications agency Universal McCann Worldwide.
SpiralFrog said its target audience is people between the ages of 13 and 34.
Reuters
We're Back!
Like a Phoenix from the ashes, News In Briefs is back and refreshed! I tried to keep posting on an ultra slow connection the last two weeks, and gave up for the most part. Your normal service will now resume:
John Mark Kerr will not be prosecuted for the killing of JonBenet Ramsey after DNA samples failed to match. Ramsey was apprehended in Thailand and admitted to being with the six year old at the time of her death, but not being responsible for it.
"... no evidence has been developed other than his own repeated admissions to place Mr Karr at the scene of the crime," said the statement on Boulder County District Attorney Mary Lacy's decision to drop the arrest warrant.
"... in particular because his DNA does not match that found in the victim's blood in her underwear, the people would not be able to establish that Mr Karr committed this crime despite his repeated insistence that he did.
"The DNA taken from JonBenet's underwear, which was found to be the saliva of a white male mixed with her blood, has never been matched to a suspect in the murder.
JonBenet's parents, who were once said by authorities to be under an "umbrella of suspicion" in their daughter's death, were also excluded from having left the DNA.
The collapse of the case against Karr left authorities without a suspect in JonBenet's murder.
Brazilian palaetologists have discovered a new giant dinosaur called Maxakalisaurus Topai. It is said to have a huge body and be closely related to the Tyranosaurus Vanstoneus which terrorized immigrant populations.
VANSTONE HUNGRY!
Tears Of Fears
Paris Hilton says she likes her new CD so much she cried when she heard it. So did I. Pop music used to be talented Beatles, rockin' Queens, slightly queer Hall & Oates, and hotties like Britney was. Paris is none of these.
She does suck like Limp Bizkit though.
Abbott & Conservative Scare Tactics
Tony Abbott has taken the progress made toward Intelligent Design behind the garden shed, and shot it between the eyes. The openly Catholic MP has said scientists are "peddling" hopes of medical breakthroughs without convincing evidence that expanding stem cell research will deliver. "People are asking us to cross a very serious ethical bridge for no good reason because there is no strong evidence that this kind of research is actually going to produce the massive breakthroughs that people are claiming," Mr Abbott told ABC television.
"I think what we are seeing at the moment is a lot of peddling of hope, but no great evidence that these new and radical research techniques are actually going to produce the breakthroughs that some of the more evangelical scientists are claiming for them."
News In Briefs tried to contact stem cell advocate Christopher Reeve for comment, but he was dead.
Congratulations
Unfortunately we're still having some bandwidth issues. But while I'm here, congratulations to Cathie, a friend of mine who was married on the weekend. We haven't spoken for a while, sort of lost touch as people do. But all the best, Cath.
Apology
Due to technical difficulties there was no post on Tuesday, August 15. Your normal service should resume shortly.
INAUGURAL MOVIE REVIEW!!!
First, let me tell you I've been fighting the urge to do movie reviews for some time. It's passe. But I saw Miami Vice last night and need to tell someone about it. Here's a conversation I had with one of my fellow filmgoers not too long ago.
muddfx.blogspot.com says:
hey, we got into an argument over miami vice last night.
i said it looked like rubbish and shouldn't have been shot on video (which made it look like rubbish). Andy said it was stylistic and defended it. long story short, i reckon miami vice was bad boys without will smith or laughs.
bad boys: 7
miami vice: 4 (one for each hot chick i dibsed)
Better than Miami Vice? Put money on it.
Matty says:
i thought the fact that it was shot on video was the least of its problems
Matty says:
and yes it was a problem
Matty says:
I thought the soundtrack was good...
muddfx.blogspot.com says:
hell yeah
Matty says:
umm... yeah thats all I got
muddfx.blogspot.com says:
mmm. lets see. cops with attitude infiltrate drug cartel, theres sex, theres action, theres betrayal, then happy ending
muddfx.blogspot.com says:
completely original
Matty says:
the plot was all over the place, the sex was only there to distract u from the fact that the plot sucked balls, the action looked like what was left on the cutting room floor after Heat, and the only happy ending was that the damn thing finished so i could get out of there
the balls that were 'sucked'
So there you go. If you want to see a gritty crime movie with ultra violence and heavily stylised visuals, see Sin City. If you want to see a slick, glamourous film about two drug cops in Miami, see Bad Boys (1 or 2, both good). If, however, you want to see a VIDEO that makes first year film students look good, see Miami Vice. It's got Jamie Foxx, so it's at least as good as his last music video.
Bobbie Bites Back
Here's a great little story I spotted while trawling the net this morning. I love when political correction goes out the window.
Face up to your problem, Muslims toldLONDON'S most influential former police chief has rounded on Britain's Muslims, blaming them for the terrorist networks in the country.
"When will the Muslim community in this country accept an absolute, undeniable, total truth: that Islamic terrorism is their problem?" wrote John Stevens, former commissioner of the Metropolitan Police, in a Sunday newspaper.
In an inflammatory opinion column, he called on Muslims to "stop the denial, endless fudging and constant wailing that somehow it is everyone else's problem and, if Islamic terrorism exists at all, they are somehow the main victims".
Lord Stevens, whose continuing responsibilities in Britain include the inquiry into Princess Diana's death, also defended "racial profiling" at airports and other security hotspots, saying resources were being wasted on searching everybody out of a sense of fairness or delicacy.
"I'm a white, 62-year-old, suit-wearing ex-cop - I fly often, but do I really fit the profile of a suicide bomber?" Lord Stevens, who was commissioner of the Metropolitan Police until last year, wrote in the News of the World.
Your Own Little Piece Of Infamy
Unabomber's personal effects to be auctionedIt is a collection of items mundane and mysterious: tweezers, a pocket knife, a handmade tool.
They are significant because they were among the personal items seized from the remote Montana shack of Theodore Kaczynski, known as the Unabomber, and are to be sold by order of a federal judge to help pay off a $US15 million ($19.5 million) restitution order.
In 1998, Kaczynski, 64, pleaded guilty to a series of mail bombings from 1978 to 1995 that killed three people and injured 28 others, some seriously.
Among the more intriguing items to be sold are some of Kaczynski's manuscripts seized by the Government when he was captured in 1996. A former mathematics professor who developed a hatred for the modern world, Kaczynski wrote a 35,000-word anti-technology manifesto that was published, at government request, in The Washington Post seven months before his capture in 1996.
The court order comes after a legal skirmish between the Government and Kaczynski, who is in a maximum security prison in Florence, Colorado. Kaczynski had argued that his property should be returned to him.
In addition to the original manuscripts, the auction list includes some telling items, among them three typewriters, two face masks and dozens of tools. There are also a blue zippered sweatshirt and blue hood for sale, two elements that were part of the famous artist's sketch of the Unabomber, printed on "most wanted" posters for years.
The online auction will not include 100 items seen as bomb-making materials, such as writings that contain diagrams and "recipes" for bombs.
"He was living a … pretty primitive way of life, so his belongings are limited," Kaczynski's former lawyer, Quin Denvir, said.
There is also an impressive library of history, philosophy and science books. Copies of Of Mice and Men, 1984 and The Merchant of Venice will also be for sale.
PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST!
Sorry, I'm just trying to catch your attention. Now that you're here, why not have a read?
Before we go too much further I just want to point out that while I join with men everywhere in the appreciation of breasts, it's not my intention to turn this into some smut-job boob blog. Keep that in mind as I present today's topic, the plunge-bra.
Apparently this new bra has been designed using the same technology we could have been using to introduce and maintain peace in the middle east. It's good to see we didn't let quaint notions like human rights get in the way of a great cleavage top. I shudder to think what could be unleashed if Global Terror paired the aBRAcadaBRA with the 'shrug'.
However, Global Terror (I like the name, so sue me) has chosen another avenue in it's pursuit of denying the West of basic lifestyle options, like hydrating on a flight. They've recruited the half-brother of some British model that no-one's heard about. They're the children of a British Tory that no-one has heard of. And that's how you keep terror in the minds of the public: use d-grade celebrities as role models. Global Terror needs to take a leaf out of Scientology's book (NOT Dianetics); find a genuine celebrity to be the spokesman. Boy George has been available since he finished his trash-talk tour of New York's streets (seriously). Or maybe that guy who played Doogie Howser, MD.
Finally, Amanda Vanstone has found herself in the news again for saying something stupid. The Minister for Immigration claims that no Afghan refugees returned home involuntraily. They were offered $2000 each or $10000 for a family to be repatriated after the fall of the Taliban regime. And why wouldn't they? It's not like they faced the prospect of being killed if they returned.
Vanstone: Pure Evil
Gangsta Gangsta!
I was playin' San Andreas while my homie was out wit his kid an' I was inspired to talk 'bout gangstas, what! These fools right here think they know wha's happ'nin' on the streets, but they don't know they foot from they elbow. Wannabe gangstas. Clint Eastwood, now he's the original gangsta, show some respect, what! 357mag'll get up in that, y'kno'wh'ahm'sayin'?
He knows what you're thinking, but isn't playing that character.
Tip Of The Hat, Wag Of The Finger
Much as I respect Stephen Colbert as the truthiest journalist out there, I found something very disturbing today. On his August 8 2006 episode, Stephen 'broke' the story of a Hungarian bridge and it's connection to Chuck Norris; the very story I broke six days earlier.
So Stephen, I'm afraid you get a "wag of the finger" for that one.
A 'tip of the hat', however, to President George W. Bush, who when asked what he thought should be done in the Middle East, responded thus:
Such honesty in the face of ridicule. Commendable.
By the way, I did a Google search on 'shrug' and found that they're also a form of ladies knitwear. Apparently, they serve to enhance the size of the 'bosom region'. Well done ladies, for showing us that women's intuition is far from being extinguished.
!
I also mis-spelt "claimed" in the fireman story. I might yet use a spell checker.
D'OH!
On Tuesday, I posted this statement: "A fireman who may be sacked after being filmed going for a spin in a clothes drier." What the hell was I thinking? My journalism lecturer would shoot me if she ever read that! Sorry LSB!
ANYHOO, it should have read: "Here's a fireman who may be sacked after going for a spin in a clothes drier." So I hang my head in shame, resisting the urge to edit the original post. Thanks to Khat for pointing out my mistake.
Elsewhere, the Fuzz have foiled a terrorist plot involving planes and Americans and Muslims. I know, I know, no-one has actually come out and said the suspects were Muslims, but they had strong connections with Pakistan and wanted to attack Britain and the US. I'm not one for racial profiling, but if they're not Muslims, I'll eat my hat. And you Jihadists out there who would wish me ill, just remember that my God is bigger than your god. So there.
On the subject of childishness, let's have a look at the Feral Gummint. John Howard has been responding to every Labour attack on interest rates with "yeah, but at least they're not at 17%". 17% being, of course, the highest interest rate under a Labour government (under Keating). Thankfully Wayne Swan pointed out that the Liberals have another record. Not only do they have the two longest serving PMs under their belts, but they also hold the ALL TIME RECORD for interest rates, a huge 21% (under a treasurer named Howard). And would Howard say sorry for misleading parliament? Never ever.
Jew Station
Israeli PM Ehud Olmert: Media ManIsraeli intelligence gurus have hacked Hezbollah's TV and FM radio stations. They broadcast images of dead Hezbollah fighters on Lebanese television announcing that the war was going in Israel's favour, and that Hassan Nasrallah was a liar.
On the radio, a two minute message was set on repeat saying "Hassan sent men to fight the Israeli army, an army of steel, without preparing them. Stop listening to patriotic hymns for a moment, reflect and bring your feet back to the ground."
Hassan Nasrallah: Loves DonutsIsrael has used a variety of technological weapons to wage a psychological war in Lebanon, also sending text messages to mobile phones and voice messages saying their war was against Hezbollah and not the Lebanese people.
U2's Zoo Station Tour
(for those who didn't get the joke)
Get Well Soon
Robin Williams has decided to check himself in to rehab for alcoholism. News In Briefs wishes you all the best Mork.
Meanwhile, retired Federal Court judge Marcus Einfeld has unequivocally and categorically denied any wrongdoing in relation to a speeding fine. Einfeld denied he was the driver of his vehicle at the time, that he had loaned the car to an old acquaintance who had racked up the fine, flown to the United States, and died in a car accident (possibly related to speeding). What's more unbelievable is that he expects us to buy his story. After all, the supposed driver had been dead for two years at the time of the offence.
Oh, and Mischa Barton? You're not as hot as Megan Gale. David Jones may want you for a quick PR fling, but Meg's a keeper. Dibs.
Injustice
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, Cretinlink has told 16 year old Matthew Pearce, who suffers from leukaemia, that he has to find work.
"I have to bath and dress him," the boy's mother said. "It's like going back to having an infant. I don't begrudge it. I'd love him to go back to school and be with his friends but he can't do that."
She said that Matthew arrived home from hospital in a wheelchair and fitted with a nasal feeding tube to find a letter instructing him to appear at the assessment the following day.
Unable to contact the company to explain their situation, the Pearces went to the building only to find the main entrance did not admit wheelchairs. Two passing police officers had to assist them into the building.
Mrs Pearce was so angry she contacted her MP, Labor's Kim Wilkie, who will raise the case in Federal Parliament today. Mr Wilkie said the Pearce family's situation was the result of "ill-conceived government policy".
"The Howard Government needs to explain how people with a disability are supposed to get assessed if they can't even get into the building. Once they get into the building, their assessments are clearly unjust."
Tough new welfare rules have begun requiring people applying for the disability support payment to prove they are not able to work a minimum of 15 hours a week.
The World Today 2
Meanwhile, it's been discovered that children who listen to sexually explicit songs will have sex earlier. DUH! 
The suicide of a 23 year old man and his 15 year old girlfriend was found to be unrelated to Goth culture or Satanic rituals, according to the Coroner. Apparently the Satanic symbols carved into their flesh and messages written all over their bodies has no relation to a 'demonic' practice, the deaths were related to 'everyday problems'. Problems so mundane that every suicide is accompanied by strange symbols and latin phrases. Police are now investigating whether the Coroner is buying by the ounce or pound.
Liberal backbencher Jackie Kelly apologised to Peter Costello for calling him a 'toff'. I, however, will not. Costello's a toff.
A plane has crashed into a house in Brisbane. Unfortunately, "The OC" star Mischa Barton was not on board.
Neither was Bono. Koffi Annan reportedly suggested that U2 visit war-torn Lebanon to stage a 'Peace Concert'. 
"They nearly fell for it," said the Secretary General, "we'd set up a UN observation post for them to stay in, and Israel was notified of it's location. "It's not that we don't like their music," said one UN official, "but to have to listen to Bob Geldof AND Bono... it's too much."
Finally, not only do we have to suffer through the 'Feral Gummint's continued lies over issues like petrol prices and interest rates, now they're insulting us. That's right, the people who told you that interest rates would NOT rise under a coalition goverment have now said that the RISES (yep, plural, more than one) are "over-dramatised". Malcolm Turnbull WOULD know. After all, a Jag uses more petrol than a Corolla, and the interest rise on his investment properties will force him to raise the rent. If not, he may have to start cutting back on the essentials: caviar and bolly on the yacht, baby poodle skin slippers...
The World Today
A fireman who may be sacked after being filmed going for a spin in a clothes drier. British Fire Department officials are devastated they didn't think of it first. The endangered worker in question cliamed he wanted to fly on Richard Branson's Virgin Space Shuttle, and wanted to get some practice in.
Beauty
Apparently it's in the eye of the beholder. More often, as with Paris Hilton, beauty is in the eye of the beerholder. No need of alcohol here though, as we spend a moment with a pretty little thing that doesn't get nearly enough attention.
Here she is, her name is Elise, and she looks even better in a green dress. Elise has 197bhp, does 0-60mph in a little over 5 seconds, and will do the standing quarter in 14.2 seconds. Best of all, she weighs only 806kg. A slender little beast to be sure. Over the next couple weeks I'll introduce you to some of my best girls.
What A Waster
I'm not sure what the number is, but as soon as I find out Paris will be off the island. Or out of the house. Or maybe sentenced to death. One of those.
China's censors shine spotlight on karaoke
BEIJING: With their control over newspapers, television, magazines and the internet secure, censors in China are now turning their attention to the nation's karaoke parlours.
The Ministry of Culture has issued new rules to prevent "unhealthy" songs from ringing forth in the sing-along bars, and to safeguard intellectual property rights.
The Government has picked three cities, Wuhan, Zhengzhou and Qingdao, to test the program, under which member businesses will choose songs from a central database. If successful, the program may go nationwide.
"All the songs in the database for use by karaoke parlours and consumers need to be censored" to ensure content meets government standards, Liang Gang, from the Ministry of Culture, told state media.
Media analysts said Beijing's karaoke initiative was aimed at wiping out songs with sexual or vaguely political lyrics or those that seeped across the border from Taiwan and Hong Kong bearing foreign slang.
"It would really bother me if I wasn't allowed to sing a song I liked," said Song Zhu, an 18-year-old student, standing in front of the Cash Box karaoke parlour in Beijing. "I'd be especially peeved if I'd practised and got really good at it."
Tens of millions of Chinese sing in karaoke establishments each year in a multibillion-dollar industry.
At $US6 ($7.80) for a private sound room at Cash Box for an entire weekday evening, this form of entertainment is affordable to many workers and students, as well as to wealthier business people.
Tao Wei, who produces youth-related plays and films for the Government, said: "I think it's a policy to control content, but also to control who gets the money. If a new song wants to enter the system, you have to pay and the Government gets the proceeds."
Celebrity Skin 3
Harrison Ford posed for Playboy before he was famous.
Hey Andy!
Dibs.
Go Spidey Go!
A Frenchman who calls himself "Spiderman" scaled a 38 storey skyscraper in Barcelona.
Dressed in black, Alain Robert climbed the Agbar Towers, one of Barcelona's highest buildings.
The 144 metre building, designed by French architect Jean Nouvel, resembles an enormous missile and is covered with a facade of glass. More than 4400 window openings are cut out of the structural concrete.
Robert, renowned for climbing without ropes or other equipment, scaled the world's tallest building - Taipei 101 - in December 2004. The 511 metre building is in Taiwan.
He has also climbed the Sydney Tower and Sydney Opera House, Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia; the Eiffel Tower in Paris and the Empire State Building in New York.
Reagan Smash!
US Department of Defence has released "The Pink Protocols" as part of a Freedom of Information Act package. "The Pink Protocols" were a series of contingencies for dealing with the USSR during the Cold War. Reagan's "Star Wars" program was among them, as was "Operation: Stomp!" (which is in no way related to the stage show "Stomp!"). Here we see the early stages of "Stomp!"'s development (the plan not the show). It was ultimately abandoned when Congress labeled it "silly... beyond all notion of silliness".
And those kooky Koreans... North, South, whatever, THIS is an actual part of their military training: Mud Wrestling. What the girls don't know is that it's not actually mud.
That's right, they're girls. Mud wrestling. As part of miltary training. Never let ANYONE tell you that we don't miss out on stuff in the 'Free World'.
What The Devil?
I mistakenly claimed that Mel Gibson played Murtagh in Lethal Weapon. Turns out he played Martin Riggs, and had a desert scene in said film. I should really go and watch it again. Gunfights rock.
OH! Get this, Mel's production company was working on a documentary about the holocaust! Honestly, if reality keeps being this ridiculous I might be out of a blog. But, so as not to completely waste your time here though...
I think they're supposed to be 'The Goodies'
A Sad Day Indeed
My work car stopped working yesterday afternoon. It's got a chronic coolant leak which leads to high temperatures in the engine, with potentially catastrophic effects. Here's a dramatic re-enactment of what would happen if I kept driving it.
Which means I had to catch the train to work this morning, and I'm kinda grumpy. So here's something I prepared earlier.
This doesn't mean I'm going to start on that stupid 'Chuck Norris' bandwagon, but this is damned funny, especially if you ever played Magic: The Gathering. Chuck Norris would kick a Shivan Dragon's Ass!
Sometimes I Don't Have To Make It Up
Two Koreas Exchange Gunfire
North Korean and South Korean soldiers have exchanged gunfire in the demilitarised zone dividing the two Koreas, a South Korean newspaper reported.
A North Korean soldier took the first shot and a South Korean soldier returned fire, the Dong-A Ilbo newspaper said.
No-one on the South Korean side was hurt in Monday's incident, it said.
Chuck Norris leads the way in Budapest bridge-naming vote
If Hungarian voters have their way then Budapest could be the home for the first bridge in the world to be named after Chuck Norris, the high-kicking star of countless action movies.
The Ministry of Economy and Transport could well be kicking itself after the star become an early front runner in an online poll organised by the ministry to name a new bridge across the Danube.
Almost 9000 people have voted for the "Chuck Norris Bridge".
The name was suggested by somebody who said that it would be a good idea because "there is no such bridge in the world and Hungary would be the first".
Hundreds of nominations have been put forward, many of them less than serious.
In second place, only a few hundred votes behind Chuck, is Pato Pal.
Pato Pal was a character in a poem by Hungary's favourite poet Sandor Petoffi, and the name has become synonymous with people who do not want to spend money.
The wag that suggested Pato Pal said that "the name speaks for itself, because the bridge should have been built decades ago."
Szent Istvan, the founder of the Hungarian state, is languishing in ninth place with just over 2000 votes.
However, should Chuck Norris win the vote for the bridge, which is set to open in 2008, the ministry has a get out clause.
The top three names from the list will be added to suggestions from the local councils affected by the bridge, linguists and other experts and go before a government committee for consideration.
The poll closes on September 8.
