Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Props 1

Props to http://thanxforvisiting.blogspot.com/ for these. Not sure about the floor business.

AL GORE VIRUS - Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting.

MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS - sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS - quits after one byte

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - your 300mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100mb and then slowly expands to 200mb.

DR. JACK KEVORKAIN VIRUS - deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS - you can no longer insert disks into your computer.

TITANIC VIRUS - your whole computer goes down.

DISNEY VIRUS - everything in your computer goes Goofy.

PROZAC VIRUS - screws up your ram, but your processer doesn't care.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - terminates some files, leaves, but it'll be back.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS - turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.

VIAGRA VIRUS - turns your 3.5 inch floppy into a hard drive.

The Truth Behind The Beaconsfield Rescue




As harsh as it sounds, I know that journalists everywhere were hoping those guys would die down there, or maybe have to be carried out to a waiting ambulance. It's somehow anti-climactic when it's good news rather than bad news.

Why is bad news so much more newsworthy than good news? If the miners had somehow died then the week of super-coverage would have paid off in an orgasmic pity frenzy. And the general public would have been told never to hope once more.

Perhaps that's the goal of our modern journalism. To keep everyone as cynical and narcisistic as the journalists themselves. That way they'd keep voting for blatant liars, buying goods from blatant criminals, and engage in activities that:

a:) kill themselves

b:) kill the natural environment or

c:) kill each other.

Now I'm far from being a bleeding heart greeny or eco-warrior, in fact I drive a V6 every day and a rev-happy rally machine on the weekends. I love the sound of hundreds of cubic inches gargling fire and fuel. But I don't go endorsing a massive corporation that rapes the Amazon so their cows can provide beef products for their food, no matter how tasty a 'royale with cheese' may be.

Remember what Bill Hicks said: "Go back to sleep, your government is in control." Perhaps it's time we look at whether our news organisations simply have brief flings with our leaders, or are they the type of people that like to spoon on a regular basis. Maybe that's why so many journo's burn out: they just want their chosen politician to cuddle after they lie to the masses.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Battle of the Sexes 1

I got this in an email and just had to share...

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said,"That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.